I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy. - W. C. Fields
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. - W. C. Fields
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. - W. C. Fields
Never give a sucker an even break. - W. C. Fields
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. - W. C. Fields
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. - W. C. Fields
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. - W. C. Fields